Ridiculous Bible Story of the Week: Volume 1

I don't think many people realize what hilarious nonsense can be found in biblical text. Once, in my jurisprudence class at law school, a student suggested that original justification for social constraints can be found in scripture. I asked if slavery, genocide, and human sacrifice would then be cosure in this society of his. Needless to say, he was confused.

The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is one of my favorite bible nonsense stories of all time. Wikipedia summarizes the text as follows:

Sodom was one of a group of five towns, the Pentapolis (Wisdom 10:6): Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboim, and Bela—also called Zoar (Genesis 19:22). The Pentapolis region is also collectively referred to as "the Cities of the Plain" (Genesis 13:12) since they were all sited on the plain of the River Jordan, in an area that constituted the southern limit of the lands of the Canaanites (Genesis 10:19). Lot, a nephew of Abram (Abraham) chose to live in Sodom, because of the proximity of good grazing for his flocks (Genesis 13:5-11).

In Genesis 18, God sends two angels, appearing as men, to Abraham in the plains of Mamre. After receiving the hospitality of Abraham and Sarah, his wife, God reveals to Abraham that he will investigate Sodom and Gomorrah, because their cry is great, "and because their sin is very grievous." (vs. 20-21) In response, Abraham reverently inquires of God if he would spare the city if 50 righteous people were found in it, then 45, then 30, then 20, or even ten, with God affirming he would not destroy it after each request, for the sake of the righteous yet dwelling therein. The two angels of God proceed to Sodom and are met by Abraham's righteous nephewLot, who constrains the angels to lodge with him, and they eat with his family.

In the Tanach version, Genesis19:4-5, describes what followed, which confirms the verdict as to the sin of Sodom and its end:

When they had not yet retired, and the men of the city, the men of Sodom, surrounded the house, both young and old from every end of the city. And they called to Lot and said to him, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, and let us know them."

In response, Lot refuses to give his guests to the inhabitants of Sodom, and instead offers them his two unmarried daughters, "who have not known man", to do with as they please. However, they refuse this offer, and threaten to do worse to Lot than they would have done to his guests, and press sore upon him. Lot's angelic guests rescue him, and strike the men with blindness. They then command Lot to gather his family and leave, revealing that they were sent to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. As they make their escape the angels command Lot and his family not to look back under any circumstance. However as Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed with fire and brimstone by God, Lot's wife looks back longingly at the city, and becomes a pillar of salt.

The best part of this story is the part where the townspeople gather around Lot's residence and demand that he hand over the angels so they may "know them." For those confused, that's bible talk for intercourse. Not wanting to hand over his angel guests for anal gang rape, Lot takes the high road and offers the townsfolk his two virgin daughters.

That's right.

Good times.